school doesnt even test your intelligence it tests your memory
- student:hey government can I have some money to go to university
- uk government:sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
- scottish government:nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
- us government:no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker.
- my requirements for sleeping at night:is the pillow cool enough? are my legs positioned so they don't put too much weight on each other? are my arms tucked in nicely and not at odd angles? can I stop thinking about the day's events? is enough of my body out from under the blanket that I won't overheat? are my toes safely tucked in to hide them from monsters?
- my requirements for sleeping in the morning:is the surface vaguely horizontal and not made entirely out of hornets
If a guy ever insists that you two have sex without a condom just smile really big and get teary eyed and emotional and start talking about how excited you are that he wants to have a baby with you and when he tries to interject and say that’s not what he meant, just talk loudly over him about...
remember when zack and cody entered a parallel universe and london was smart and maddie was dumb and esteban was a woman
So Fifty Shades of Grey is being advertised on bus stops and other public areas where children can see it but lord forbid if you depict a healthy gay relationship in any form of media that children might not even see because it’ll be warping kids
Lifehack: Accidentally text the wrong person? Immediately put your phone on airplane mode and once it fails to deliver, delete the message.
What they say: There is a skeleton inside you. The truth: You are inside your skeleton. You are a brain.
Life is so hard when your best friend is a 9.5/10 and you’re a strong 4 with the right filter and lighting
i love it when ppl say ‘i swing both ways’ to refer to being bisexual bc then i picture pansexuals spinning uncontrollably and screaming.
do you ever realize that there was a moment when your mom or dad put you down as a baby and never picked you up again
- October when it's 45 degrees:what have we done to deserve such a fate *puts on 3 layers of clothing, a winter coat, 2 pairs of gloves, and boots before setting foot outside*
- March when it's 45 degrees:god has blessed us with a beautiful day honestly i feel inspired *opens windows, goes outside with no jacket, smiles at strangers as they pass by*
taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up? in thirty minutes? in 2 hours? in 7 years?? no one can be sure