i want quvenzhané wallis to host the golden globes and mispronounce the names of every single white man nominated
- student:hey government can I have some money to go to university
- uk government:sure here you go. you'll have to pay it back but only when you're earning £21,000+ a year, and if you don't pay it off after 30 years we'll just write it off, don't worry about it man
- scottish government:nah man just go to uni we ain't gonna charge you
- us government:no. you gotta pay it yourself. upfront. your parents have to save up from the moment you're born. good luck, fucker.
- my requirements for sleeping at night:is the pillow cool enough? are my legs positioned so they don't put too much weight on each other? are my arms tucked in nicely and not at odd angles? can I stop thinking about the day's events? is enough of my body out from under the blanket that I won't overheat? are my toes safely tucked in to hide them from monsters?
- my requirements for sleeping in the morning:is the surface vaguely horizontal and not made entirely out of hornets
remember when zack and cody entered a parallel universe and london was smart and maddie was dumb and esteban was a woman
So Fifty Shades of Grey is being advertised on bus stops and other public areas where children can see it but lord forbid if you depict a healthy gay relationship in any form of media that children might not even see because it’ll be warping kids
me: *gets really sad and has an emotional breakdown*me, ten minutes later: lmao that was so fuckin lame
- October when it's 45 degrees:what have we done to deserve such a fate *puts on 3 layers of clothing, a winter coat, 2 pairs of gloves, and boots before setting foot outside*
- March when it's 45 degrees:god has blessed us with a beautiful day honestly i feel inspired *opens windows, goes outside with no jacket, smiles at strangers as they pass by*
astronomy club sent up a weather balloon w a gopro in it last friday. put in three packs of fruit snacks so they could have a giggle over eating fruit snacks that had been to space.balloon went up into inner space, about 90,000 feet. came down right near the dinosaur park. a few physics teachers dri...
its so weird how ur gender supposedly dictates which shapes and textures of fuckening cloth u are permitted to drape over ur flesh prison
u ever have that friend where ur like. yes lets get an apartment together. lets adopt 200 cats. lets DO IT
- dad:why are you drinking coffee at 10pm?
- me:time is an illusion. once you realize that, you can transcend, and live in bliss
- me:*takes sip*
- me:also i have a 10 page paper due in the morning that i haven't started
COOL DATE IDEA: take a really long nap with me
- *walks past people who are laughing*
- brain:they're laughing at u
- me:they're 20 feet away and I don't even know them
- brain:at U
- me:shit ur right
*watches porn*me: this intro is taking too long*skips one minute* *they eating ass*me: now i gotta rewind because ive obviously missed a key element to the story