fun drinking game: take a shot of water every couple hours to make sure you’re healthy and hydrated
What about a bunny under the hat? i’m a great magician!
the 1700s called……they want their clothing back. haha just kidding the first telephone was invented in 1876
[calls a sex hotline] home alone shouldn’t have had a sequel. it should’ve been a one time thing. no i don’t want to talk dirty listen to me. home alone 2 was terrible
i don’t care if you think it’s “improper first date attire” this suit of armor is enchanted and i’m wearing it
i just saw a vine being made in real life. this guy walked up to a taco bell and asked if they had ass on the menu because that’s all he eats and his friend filmed the whole thing. this is insane. i feel like i just got a backstage pass to the next big thing
@staff loving the new update. having my screen split in half and seeing an enlarged version of a mobile theme is exactly what i wanted to happen when i click someone’s url. i’m glad it’s finally happened. for the next update i was thinking we could just shut peoples laptops off when they click a url...
turns out a creampie isn’t a pastry and the internet is a disgusting place
attention shoppers, will the owner of the blue monster truck parked outside please report to the front. that thing is fucking sick and the manager wants to shake your hand
tip: failing a class? demand trial by combat
cop: who the hell ordered all these pizzas me: you said i got one phone call
attention passengers this is your pilot speaking, we’re going to be experiencing some heavy turbulence shortly so please strap in. this loser just bet that i couldn’t do a 360 barrel roll in this thing and let’s just say i’m about to be $20 richer real soon