GM: You recognize the riders from legend; they seem to be The Four Horsemen. Bard-barian, in character: Everywhere we go, there’s demons, angels, demigods bossing us around, wanting favors, getting us into trouble, sending us out for groceries. No more. *shouts to the horsemen* NO. GO THE FUCK...
"The royal archmage can’t actually perform any magic. He just maxed out his Bluff and now he’s in way over his head."
“Yes, I am going to just ding-dong-ditch 1500 pounds of alchemists fire on the big bad’s door step.”
"I gave him a good stern running away from."
“You know what? Fine. Fucking fine. Roll diplomacy to seduce the goddamn dragon, you sick fucks.”
“I’m gonna roll Seduction to see which way the door swings.”
“Step 1: Cut a hole in a box. Step 2: Put your junk in that box. Step 3: Sacrifice to Lolth.”
"Did you learn that at bard school? Which is for bards?" "Yes, actually." - the dm and the bard, frequently
“We’d be a lot more likely to trust you with nice things if you HADN’T THROWN OUR MAGE INTO A FUCKING RAVINE!”
"Just because he’s a Demon Lord doesn’t mean he’s not into consent. We have a safe-word and everything." "That’s good of him." -Party wizard explaining why her demon/ antipaladin lover is totally okay to the cavalier
Summoner: Does the skeleton thief have intelligence? DM: From what you can tell, yes. Summoner: Alright, then I’m going to seduce the skeleton. DM: What the- okay. Fine. Just roll. Summoner: *rolls a natural 20* Okay, so that’s gonna be 33 total to seduce the skeleton. DM: Yknow what. Fu...
"Long story short, we have a pet robot now." "…The short version doesn’t answer any of my questions."
“Y’all motherfuckers need Paladins.”
“…You want to play what?" “A toaster.” “….” “Who thinks he’s an elf.”
The dungeon boss: You… Unionized my hobgoblins against me?
“You can’t kinkshame an infant”
So…Why did we hire the bear again?
“As it turns out, the carpet matches the drapes; you have been turned to stone.”