- Alien:Take me to your leader
- Me:hold on lemme go find Donald Trump
- Alien:*shoving breadsticks into spaceship* the mothership needs me to go immediately
- hagrid:yer a horcrux harry
- hagrid:wait shit wrong plot reveal
wizard teenagers breaking up with each other overdramatically via howler
au where hedwig ate scabbers in the first bookcrisis motherfucking averted
why did molly weasley have kids named bill, charlie, percy, fred, george and ronald and then call her last one ginevra
- harry:here hedwig, send this to sirius
- hedwig:motherfucker i am not a gps where the fuck is he supposed to be this time on the fucking moon? no way mate imma go get me some starbucks
- remus:shit first lesson with the third years. okay dont panic moony, you can do this. gotta make them think youre cool. what do the kids like these days?
- remus:*brings literally the embodiment of everyones worst fears to class*
- remus:nailed it
- ron, harry and hermione:hagrid pls tell us a hogwarts secret
- hagrid:no i cant...Dumbledore trusts me...
- ron, harry and hermione:pls
- hermione in first year:we might be killed! or worse, expelled.
- hermione in second year:lets just fucking make this illegal potion in the bathroom fuck yeah
- hagrid:kids this is my adorable useless normal dog
- hagrid:his name is fang
- hagrid:and THIS is the slavering three-headed hellbeast dog that will eat anyone who crosses his path
- hagrid:i call him fluffy
if i was in durmstrang id steal that ship and become a wizard pirate, fuck education
why didn’t dumbledore just tell mcgonagall about the horcruxeslike that lady is a badass, the series would be over before it even started
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- godric:i only want the kids that can PUNCH THIS LION IN THE FACE
- salazar:youre in if you can disarm these deadly traps and duel me while balancing on a rickety beam
- rowena:any child in my house has to pass a four-hour compulsory examination
- helga:...these children are ELEVEN
i just want a spinoff where the dursleys and the weasleys have to hang out for an extended period of timeimagine vernon and arthur having a conversation about rubber ducks
- harry:NOBODY KNOWS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE POSSESSED BY VOLDEMORT
- harry:OH GOD IM SO ALONE
- ginny:well fuck you too potter
- ravenclaw:i know all of these questions anyway
- hufflepuff:we can make it if we study all night!
- slytherin:okay who has a copy of the answers and how much do they want
- gryffindor:[PUNCHES A WALL] HELP ME
- hufflepuff:tiny gay babies
- gryffindor:will fight anything
- slytherin:sells you out for a donut