• fighter HP Lovecraft d20 these idiots Dungeons and Dragons TableTop dnd Cleric Lovecraftian Natural 20 frat dnd dice rolling exvind •
  • Cleric:I toss the light-stone into the crypt! *Rolls 20*
  • Me:You have spent entirely too much time skipping rocks, as such you rebound the rock against three pillars and two skeletons before it comes to a clean stop in the center of the room.
  • Cleric:...So I can see them all?
  • Me:Yes.
  • ---------
  • Fighter:I WANT TO SING 'EVERY TIME WE TOUCH' AS WE CHARGE INTO BATTLE!
  • Me:You're not a bard, but screw it roll Performance.
  • Fighter:OKAY. *Mediocre roll*
  • Me:Well you don't exactly remember the words but you can hum furiously while fighting.
  • Fighter:AWESOME.
  • -----------
  • All The Dwarves:So...can we use the Elf as a weapon?
  • Me:...Hey Elf what's your Armor Class?
  • ---------
  • Cleric:I want to bless the bomb.
  • Me:The bomb that was made illegally by an alchemist who clearly was no bomb expert and hastily threw something together in twelve hours?
  • Cleric:Which is why I want to bless the damn thing.
  • ----------
  • Me:You stare into the Skeleton Warrior's empty eye sockets and see only the cold black abyssial Void staring back at you.
  • Fighter:I WANNA INTIMIDATE IT.
  • Me:Alright intimidating a skeleton that's-
  • Fighter:NO! I wanna intimidate the Void.
  • Me:...The cold black unfeeling existential darkness?
  • Fighter:Yeah that.
  • Me:Fuck it why not.
  • Fighter:*nat 20*
  • Me:.........You stare into the Abyss and it absolutely stares back. Given your ever-shifting mental state you don't take in the abstract and horrifying nature of oblivion but rather stand defiantly, blatantly giving shape to the shapeless and a name to something that should not be named. At the End of All Things something turns, being actively defied by a mortal, and it hesitates. It cannot stand even an unwitting rival and it will react accordingly - because a primal force made afraid is a terrible sight to behold.
  • Fighter:So I intimidate it?
  • Me:Yup.
  • Fighter:Awesome.
  • Cleric:Oh my god we are going to die.
  • --------------
  • Me:The ghouls retreat into their tunnel.
  • Cleric:Well if ever there was a time for that bomb, let's seal them in!
  • Me:Alright let's see how this thing goes. *Nat 20*
  • Me:*sets up Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture Finale*
  • Me:The alchemist, having known nothing about proper explosives, pretty much tossed in every volatile horrible thing he could into the 'bomb.' And as your God looks favorably on grandstanding gestures of epic stupidity, he extends his mighty claw down to bless this bomb. You hear a distant roar and a blinding light before the cleansing fire erupts through the Ghoul Tunnels. Above ground, a number of graves explode outward while dozens of ghoul corpses charred beyond recognition fall and litter the graveyard while ash quietly falls in the aftermath.
  • Cleric:Holy shit we have another one of those.
  • -------------
  • Fighter:Rob him!
  • Cleric:No! He'll kill the HELL out of us.
  • Fighter:Hey if you're going to do something stupid at least see it through like I do!
  • ------------
  • Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf:...So to appease the Void we're gonna sacrifice the Fighter.
  • Me:...Yeah alright make the rolls.
  • Fighter:*is murdered in his sleep*
  • Cleric, Elf, and Dwarf:Wow that was....well, we're all in tender emotional states. See you next time. *they exit*
  • Me:...Hey, Fighter.
  • Fighter:Sup.
  • Me:...Want to be the Avatar of the Void and fuck shit up on a global scale?
  • Fighter:Would it be me doing more stupid shit with no reason with godlike powers?
  • Me:Pretty much.
  • Fighter:I love you Skippy.

report
4552 notes / 4 years 6 months ago
  • Cleric:I toss the light-stone into the crypt! *Rolls 20*
  • Me:You have spent entirely too much time skipping rocks, as such you rebound the rock against three pillars and two skeletons before it comes to a clean stop in the center of the room.
  • Cleric:...So I can see them all?
  • Me:Yes.
  • ---------
  • Fighter:I WANT TO SING 'EVERY TIME WE TOUCH' AS WE CHARGE INTO BATTLE!
  • Me:You're not a bard, but screw it roll Performance.
  • Fighter:OKAY. *Mediocre roll*
  • ...
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D&D Stats Explained with Tomatoes
mindchildofmadness submits: Strength is being able to crush a tomato. Dexterity is being able to dodge a tomato. Constitution is being able to eat a bad tomato. Intelligence is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put a tomato in a fruit salad. Charisma is being able to sell a toma...
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