The picture on the left almost brought me to tears. It was the day of my oldest sisters wedding. You can see my depression in my eyes. You can see my unhappiness, insecurities, my hate for my body. I remember that day so clearly… I couldn’t wait for it to be over. Seeing family members and friends I hadn’t seen in years. Taking tons of pictures that would be framed, put on Facebook. And there I was… Hating myself. The body I lived in. I didn’t want to see anyone. Yet alone people I hadn’t seen in so long. Take pictures? It was pretty much a nightmare for me. I remember avoiding shopping for a dress for weeks. My sister literally had to make me. I was convinced I could “lose a few pounds” before her wedding.. And I refused to go dress shopping until I had done so. Well as the day crept up on me… I had actually gained weight rather than lost it. And so there I was…. Unhappy, depressed, disgusted, angry, bitter. Thinking why is this happening to me? How did my life get to this point…
People ask me all the time what got me started.
You have to want this. you have to want it bad enough to bare the pain of change. because you WILL go through changes, and it will be painful. but worth it? without a doubt. sticking with it.. i wish i could give you an easy answer, but for me.. i suppose i couldnt take living in my own body anymore. it wasnt a question of how do i stick with this.. it was a question of.. can i really continue to live in this body? Overweight.. unhappy.. underlining depression constantly seeping into the back of my mind. I have no words for some of the things i went through over the past ten years.. struggling with my weight and health.. emotionally tore me apart, which led to binge eating.. yoyo dieting, abusing diet pills, and hating myself even more when i failed. I blamed everyone around me for years, when really the choice was in my hands the whole time. starting? first you have to prepare your mind. prepare yourself emotionally. especially if food has been an emotion outlet for you.
Don’t be too hard on yourself or set unrealistic goals. its going to take time. its going to be a process. your going to have temptations, and your going to fall sometimes. the biggest thing is that you GET BACK UP. “success is going from failure to failure without losing any enthusiasm” freaking love this quote. especially when relating it to dieting.. because “failure” will be a part of the journey. its a learning process.
I used to have a “goal weight”, but to be honest….I just want to be content and happy with my body. Every time I reach a goal.. I set another one. I’m not one of those crazy gym rats who is obsessed with working out and fitness, although some days I wish I was lol. I go to the gym a few times a week but I’m just realistic. I still want to enjoy life in the process of getting healthy & reaching my goals. I mean… Don’t get me wrong… When you have a large amount of weight to lose… It takes freaking dedication. Hard work. It hurts. It freaking sucks some days. The cravings, the anger, the frustrations of how we got to the weight we are in the first place. I could write a book about it. All the emotions to work through too… that in its self was just as hard, if not harder. For me personally, this journey has brought me a lot of inner healing. Some deep rooted anger and hurt literally had to be dealt with. Things that triggered my weight gain in the first place. I had to face my demons. I had to get to the root of the problem. I honestly believe weight gain and how we treat our bodies is directly related to our emotional state and current situations around us. Some things completely out of our control, but in the end that is no excuse. We can not change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way, and we cannot change the inevitable. But we do have control of our attitudes and how we chose to respond to our situation. I stopped choosing excuses and started seeing results. I stopped blaming others and started facing myself. I choose what I become. I shape me. It’s still a daily battle. Some days are better than others. But I can tell you one thing, it’s worth it.
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