I. The first time I was ever called fat I was in first grade, I sat by a boy in class who started laughing at me when I got out my snack. I asked him, “what’s so funny?” with a smile on my face, waiting for a joke in reply. He said, “it’s funny because you’re fat, and eating that..” I felt like my bones were heavier than ever before, I felt my confidence shatter at seven years old, before I even knew what confidence was.
II. When I was eight, it was the first time I weighed myself on occasion I stopped wearing skirts, tank tops, shorts, and started hiding myself in sweatshirts, jeans, and sweaters.
III. I was nine when I got my first bra, my mama told me I was maturing faster than the other girls. I thought to myself, “maybe that’s why I am a little curvier than my best friend, or taller than most boys in my class..”
IV. At ten years old, I couldn’t stand to even look at myself in the mirror before I went to school. It was the first time I finally let it out, “Mom, why am I so FAT?” She looked at me with saddened eyes, “it’s just baby fat, you’re young, it will go away when you hit maturity.”
V. I was eleven when I got my cycle, I was scared, insecure, but the first thought that came into my mind was when my grandma told me how most girls “lose weight when they start their period.”
VI. At twelve years old I had my first real crush, my friend convinced me to talk to him. I couldn’t find the courage, so without hesitation she went up to him and asked him if he liked me. He looked at his friends, then at me, and shook his head as they laughed, “that pig? no!” I cried all night long.
VII. When I was thirteen I grew three inches, and my waist went in, my hips came out, and I had curves but I didn’t like them… All the other girls at my school were long, and skinny. They didn’t have thighs that touched a little in the middle, they didn’t have wide hips like I did…
VIII. At fourteen I told my best friend about the boy I was sure I was in “love with.” She looked at me, with a smirk, almost laughing between her lips, “He probably wouldn’t like you anyway, I mean you’re kinda chubby. No offense, I am too.” Said the girl who wore size zero pants and extra small shirts.
IX. At fifteen, it was the first time I came across something called “pro ana” and “thinspiration.” It was officially when I lost it, no, not the weight, myself.
X. Sixteen, I had a reality check.
XI. Seventeen years old now, I am trying to love myself. I am trying but it’s so god damn hard. I am not skinny, or thin, or tall like a model, although there are times I wish I was… But I am trying to love myself, for the person I am inside. Not the shell that holds my beautiful soul, because without that soul, without that person inside this shell, it wouldn’t mean a damn thing.
“I. The first time I was ever called fat I was in first grade, I sat by a boy in class who started laughing at me when I got out my snack. I ...”
“The first person I ever loved was not myself, but him, and maybe that was my biggest mistake. I learned to love the dimples on his cheeks, a...”
“There was a boy, who lost pieces of himself in the lines of books, he made a home in the comfort of words. He found himself slowly wishin...”
“I know deep inside, I am not the child my parents wanted. I can tell by the way they look into my eyes, because theirs glaze over, and by th...”
“i. I think the gloomy clouds and rain are more beautiful than the shining sun. I think that the sound of the sky’s tears hitting the ground ...”
“He will tell you how beautiful you are, and how he loves the way your lips just beg to be kissed when you aren’t even wearing lipstick. He w...”
“I have this hope that maybe I could find my escape by cutting open my skin, and bleeding out this sadness within.”
“I am sometimes afraid that maybe, you have fallen for the idea of me, the thought that lingers in your mind at 1 AM. I don’t know why, I g...”
“I don’t know when it happened, or why it happened. You just stopped. There were no more phone calls in the middle of the night when you c...”
“It usually hits the hardest when it’s 2a.m. and I can’t stop tossing and turning. So I go to grab my phone, just to remember that I am alone...”
“I know I’m recovering, but there are still times my skin itches to be ripped apart. There are times I think about killing myself. I mean, I ...”