Remember when teachers used to say “you won’t have a calculator everywhere you go”? Well, we showed them.
If you replace the “W” in Where, What, and When with a “T”, you answer the question
There are seven year olds in America who have never had a white president
It took me 23 years to realize that “be there or be square” is because you’re not a-round.
Why do adult sites have a share button? Who watches porn and then thinks ‘dave would fucking love this’
Liam Neeson struggles with being unappreciated after saving his family. Taken 4: Granted
If there’s ever an X-men movie solely about Mystique, a mirror would make a great movie poster.
Are medusa’s pubes snakes?
Netflix should have an “I’m Feeling Lucky” button. One click to play a recommended title. After 5 minutes, a dialog: “Keep watching,” “Five more minutes,” or “Watch something else”.
"Would you rather crash on a friend’s couch or the freeway?" would be a good campaign slogan against drinking and driving.
Ariana Grande sounds like a font.
Thanks to all of the radio signals and noise that the human race is making; to an outside observer, the earth is sprinting around the sun, screaming.
“Ladies first” was probably invented by a dude who enjoyed admiring women from behind
Why are there 2 A’s in Aaron? Why not 6? What’s stopping us?
I know more about WWII, which happened 50 years before I was born, than I do about the war Iraq War, which happened while I was alive
Water (blue) + Sun (yellow) = Plants (green)
All pregnant women are bodybuilders.
What if aliens visited Earth during the Jurassic Period, found it to be occupied with a bunch of mean, giant lizards and thought “Well, fuck this planet” and never came back?