The news is basically just someone saying good evening and then giving you a list of reasons it’s not
One second after 11:59.59 on 12/31/19, those of us without perfect vision will all be seeing 2020 for the first time.
The poor soul that had to test “No tears” Shampoo until they got it right…
Clothing designers intentionally give women no functional pockets whatsoever so they can sell them handbags instead.
If you had a kid named Marco, the worst place to lose him would be at a swimming pool.
If vampires have rules, are they Draculaws?
God or no god, when I die I want to be read the stats of my life
Could “Curiosity killed the cat” refer to schrödingers cat, in the sense that the curiosity of a human opening the box kills the cat, instead of the cat being killed by its own curiosity?
Sometimes, I don’t wash my hands after peeing because I trust my dick more than I trust public bathrooms.
Being a child, you’re taught under the premise that everything makes sense. Becoming an adult is realising that absolutely fucking nothing makes sense.
The term anal bleaching is a bit crude. Why not ‘change your ringtone’?
As a parent, hearing a loud thud followed by crying is scary. A loud thud followed by silence is terrifying.
Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels to make the cremation a bit more interesting
All the Trump haters seem to disregard the fact that we’d probably get some pretty sweet new punk bands out of his presidency.
One day robots are going to be sentient beings going through a fight for equal rights, and we’ll be the old generation saying “I’m not giving voting rights to a damn machine”, while our grandkids talk about how backward we all are
I haven’t seen anyone complaining about the Starbucks cup. I’ve only seen people complaining about people complaining about the Starbucks cup.
If barnacles is a swear word in SpongeBob. Then Barnacle Boy is a FuckBoy
History teaches us that mankind doesn’t learn from history.
My grandkids are going to ask the question “you mean cars could just run into each other, and people died all the time in car accidents?”