“Would you be offended if I started looting?”
“DM: Ok, so the velociraptor is cuddling with you in your bed.”
DM: “The orb of light begins to escape”Ranger: “I roll to seduce it”Ranger: *Rolls 20*DM: *Sighs heavily*
“A d100 is like a golf ball with bees inside of it.”
"I flirt with him" "…He rejects your advances" "I break his other leg."
“Dwarves are into S&M; stone and masonry”
Player: I roll to see what the door is made out of. (*rolls a nat 1*) DM: You are convinced it’s made out of chocolate.
“Rogue: “It’s not stealing if you have the key.” DM: “But you stole the key.” Rogue: “What’s your p...”
“So uh, your reflex is so low, you can get hit by still objects, but your fortitude is so high that if a venomous snake were to bite you, the...”
(Our party is walking down a dark alley when the rogue hears a noise.) Rogue: I draw my rapier.Fighter: I put up my shield.Cleric: I prepare a spell.Monk: I set myself on fire. Bitch, get at me. (He had a feat.)
"Please tell me someone has Diplomacy.""Nope. Just Intimidate.""I guess we’re gonna have Batman-style interrogation for everything."
"Can I give him a lap dance?" "How the hell would you give a centaur a lap dance?! -Our orc rogue arguing with the DM
Cleric: I cast Insect PlagueDM: Wow, I accidentally typed “Incest Plague”Ranger: A plague on just your household!
“Critical failure. You kick yourself in the balls.”
DM: You guys find yourself in a forsaken tundra Mage: Im going to build a snowman! DM: Roll Mage: *Rolls a 1 on d20* DM: Congratulations you’ve set the tundra on fire somehow
“I’m a bard! I’m the D&D equivalent of a liberal arts student! I have no life experience!”
Shrek makes infinitely more sense if you ascribe to the theory that everyone is a PC in an RPG, and Donkey’s player managed to avoid a boss battle by rolling a nat 20 to seduce the fucking dragon