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"tell us about yourself"
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1f y0u c4n r34d 7h15 you r34lly n33d t0 g3t 0ff 7h3 c0mpu73r.
if i throw my problems in the dryer would they get any smaller 
im an unpaid extra in the movie of life
it’s funny because even white girls make fun of white girls
do old people masturbate
Things I never learned in high school: How to do taxes What taxes are How to vote How to write a resume/cover letter Anything to do with banking How to apply for loans for college How to buy a car or a house …but thank my lucky stars, I can tell you all about Pythagorean Theorems.
yo mommas so fat… that her doctor is genuinely concerned about her weight and would like for her to have a healthier lifestyle so that she can be around to see her family grow. 
I’m having nostalgia about a decade I never lived in
my mom asked me if i wanted cake and then i was like “no i’m ocake” i literally can’t handle myself sometimes
how to take a math test:1. pi2. cry3. die
when i was in year 5, i did a speech on clumsiness for my school’s public speaking contest and to be clever, i tripped on my way to the stage dropping my note cards all over the place, but then i pulled the real ones out of my pocket saying ‘if you’re going to be clumsy, it pays to...
I wish I could call someone out and just tell them like “that was racist” or “that was offensive” and they can just be like “ok” and go find out why what they did was fucked up like I’m not about to play 20 questions with you smh
what does it mean to fight misogyny & femmephobia as a person with disabilities when the party line is “femme/femininity isn’t frail/weak” but yr body sometimes is?  are fragility & weakness so inherently bad that they need to be recast & reclaimed as strengths instead ...
  • boy:did it hurt
  • girl:[sigh] did what hurt
  • boy:breaking through the earth's crust ascending from hell
You want to be thin and you want to be pretty, but then there’s pizza
How to use “and” 5 times in a row grammatically: A man owned a store called “This And That” and hired another man to make a sign for it. When it was finished the owner inspected the work. He discovered that the spaces were wrong so he said “the space between This and An...
Find my soul mate?? Haha more like find my other sock where the heck did it go
"Don’t kid yourself" would be a great slogan for birth control pills