21 “you’re so young” 22 “you’re so young” 23"you’re so young" 24 “you’re so young” 25 “are you married? how is your career?”
At the beginning of life, you are taught how to walk and speak. Later you are taught how to sit and be quiet.
Killers in horror movies always catch up by walking because the victims keep on falling.
You can give sex away for free, but selling it is illegal. Unless someone’s filming it. Then you can sell it.
Back to the future should be remade every 30 years, with the exact same plot except all the cultural references updated. That way every generating can reflect on what is was like and how we thought the future would be.
Everyday, when you leave your home, you’re trusting thousands of people not to kill you.
I can’t wait for a gay president and having a first man.
All tests should be open book. It’s not like your future boss is going to say, “I need those tax returns finished by noon, but don’t look at any of the financial statements. Do it all from memory.”
If I saved all the money I’ve spent on weed over the years, I could buy so much weed.
Moving to a new city is like starting a new game+. You keep your items and experience, but you have to go through the basics again and nobody knows you anymore.
I think I’ve masturbated more times in my life than I’ve flossed.
If the number 666 is considered evil, is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
Willy Wonka sent out his chocolate bars worldwide, and 5 white kids (4 with first-world problems) still won.
Texas is the America of America.
In just a little over 4 years, “30 years ago” will mean the 90s.
Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
I wonder if I’ve ever crossed paths with a murder and he said to him self “meh I’ll let this guy slide”
I Have Never Had Someone Pull Out An iPhone & Do Something That Made Me Go “Wow I wish my Android could do that”
It must have been awkward to be the first gay guy on earth. Not because of any stigma, but because he’d have had to talk another guy into trying it. “Hey…so, you know that thing we do with our dicks to put babies in women? Well, I was thinking…and this is gonna sound weird,...